the biggest social mistake that turns people off you

You try to be smooth.

You try to say the right thing.

You try to keep your conversations tidy and hide anything messy about you.

But the whole time you’re forgetting something crucial:

People don’t connect with your polish.

They connect with your flaws.

Why this matters…

Trying to perfectly perform while socializing is the easiest way to make your social life exhausting.

It tires you out by making you;

Monitor yourself for slip ups while meeting new people.

Constantly think of what to say next when speaking.

Then replay the clunky conversation on a loop after the interaction.

But people don’t want performance.

They want connection.

And you don’t build that connection by trying to show up as the perfect version of yourself - who doesn't even exist anyway.

And no.

The solution here isn't; “just be more vulnerable!” or “stop caring what people think”.

Both pieces of advice fail because..

“Be more vulnerable” feels unsafe and risky.

“Stop caring what people think” feels impossible.

Both feel like jumping off a cliff socially.

For this to fully sink in and for your social life to become fun, you need one analogy...

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Imagine you’re throwing a dinner party for your friends.

But as soon as you send out the invites two days before, you panic.

You rush around frantically trying to clean your house.

Wash the dishes.

Think about what to make for dinner.

Go to the shops to buy the food.

Vacuum the floors and make sure everything’s spotless before they arrive.

Then they arrive.

“Wow!” they think as they step into your spotless house “this sure is well put together, I wish my house was like this.”

They’re impressed, but also feel slightly tense - because they can't help but think about how messy their house is.

And when they leave, honestly ask yourself…

Are you excited to host again?

Well considering all the effort, stress and worrying that went into preparing the “show” that was meant to just be a “chill social evening”… probably not.

This isn’t an argument for spending less time frantically cleaning.

It’s about realising; letting others see your life as it is is a brilliant act of social charity.

Because now imagine you’re the guest who’s been invited to someone else’s house.

So you enter their home and sure, it's pretty spotless. But as you walk past the living room you see a pile of un-ironed laundry before you step into the kitchen and see a pile of papers unorganised on the table.

Here’s the strange part…

You get frustrated by your own mess.

But when you see a bit of mess in someone else’s house?

You feel relieved.

As if you’ve been given VIP access into this person’s life, like seeing a blooper real between two actors breaking character.

The problem...

You think you have to have a perfect house and only show that to other people.

The shift...

Small messes let people relax around you.

And just imagine how much more relaxed and less stressed you’d be if you invited people into your home and cooked with whatever you have in the cupboards and in whatever state it's in!

Socialising works the same way.

In conversations your polish becomes a facade, and facades create distance.

Small signs of imperfection create connection.

Because they signal; "you’re safe here with me, because I’m just like you".

You don’t make people comfortable by being impressive. You make them comfortable by being relatable.

And notice what putting on a facade assumes about your life, as Oliver Burkeman puts it in meditations for mortals:

“To put on an impressive show for visitors is to erect a facade, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that: some of us love the challenge of creating the most enchanting one we can. But the idea that such a facade is mandatory, if visitors are to be admitted to your life, must arise from the assumption that there’s something incomplete or inadequate about your life the rest of the time.” - Oliver Burkeman

What to do next...

First of all realise the limiting belief hiding under all of this:

“I must always present my best self or I’ll be rejected.”

How does this sound…

“I don’t have to be in a perfect state to connect with others.”

Or this...

"There's no 'right version' of me to present."

"Being relatable means more than being impressive."

"I'm allowed to be a bit messy with people."

Pick an expansive belief that sits right with your brain, write it down on a flashcard and read it before socialising.

Secondly...

You don’t need to add anything when you socialise.

Just stop removing your human parts.

Let a pause mid sentence exist.

Say the half-formed rambled sentence.

If you don’t know what to say to someone, tell them.

If you don’t know what to talk about next in a conversation, ask.

If you’re inviting people over to your house; just cook with whatever you’ve got and let them in in whatever state your house is in.

For dates: take them on an excursion you’d usually do. Let them see your life.

Stop tidying yourself.

The wrap up…

Connection doesn’t happen when you’re impressive.

It happens when you’re not trying to hide the flaws underneath that impressiveness.

When your interactions feel less like performances, and more like a shared dinner party, you know - nothing fancy, just a bowl of spaghetti and a tin of tomato sauce finished off with some great conversation - then your social life starts to feel truly alive.

No pretence.

No facade.

Just an understanding that we’re all losers (lol), trying our best to perfectly socialise.

When really, if what we want is to connect with others, we ought to be a bit more scruffy.

As Mary Randolph Carter put it brilliantly…

“A perfectly kept house is the sign of a misspent life.”

Go deeper...

Defo check out Oliver Burkeman's book meditations for mortals for more stuff like this.

Thanks for reading :)

Lew

P.s. cut through all the social skills noise & build unbreakable social confidence here (plus the programme is very close to finished 👀).

P.p.s I'm currently in Marbella, I'm the only one on the beach half naked because its 15 degrees and I haven't seen the sun in ages due to being in the UK lol screw it we ball - and also saw a BLACK WASP WTF.

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