The “Positive” Trait That Turns People off You

The more self-controlled you become the easier it is for people to admire you.

But the harder it is for them to connect with you.

Why this matters...

If you are the self-controlled one, this explains why:

• You get fewer social invites
• People say you’re “impressive” but go stiff around you
• Conversations feel like job interviews instead of hangouts
  

Because to others, you’re like a locked door: solid, neat, but hard to get through.

They see the routine, the calendar, the discipline but not the human behind it.

If someone else is the self-controlled one, this explains why:

• They come off cold or uninterested
• You feel like you can’t fully be yourself around them
  

They’re not arrogant, they’re armoured.

Either way, you can stop guessing what’s going on and stop taking other people’s behaviour so personally.

What to do next...

If it’s you:

Clock this: people don’t just want “disciplined you” — they want disciplined plus warm you.

• Don’t only show the colour-coded calendar and 6am routine
• Let them see the dents: the weird habits, the screw-ups, the fears you usually hide
  

If it’s someone else:

• Stop waiting for them to “open up” without you opening up first
• Invite them gently
• Make small, low-pressure plans
• Share one insecurity first; give them something human to bounce off

Go deeper...

That’s the main thing I want you to take away from this letter.

If that already clicks, you can bounce.

But if you want to see how this plays out in real life, keep reading.

Here’s what’s coming next:

• The research that backs up these claims
• The psychology: why people see the self-controlled as low warmth
• The root cause: why “cold” people are really just armoured
• The fix: how to show your humanness, add warmth and actually connect again

Before we dive in...

You don’t need to memorise any of this.

Just grab the 1–3 things that stand out most to you.

This isn’t exam prep.

This is chill social-skills exploration.

Part 1 — The research that backs this up

You already know the “good PR” of self-control. It’s everywhere.

People with high self-control tend to:

• Hit deadlines
• Keep routines together
• Stick to promises
  

On paper, it looks like the perfect trait.

But Samantha Lapka and Franki Kung (psychology researchers studying self-control and well-being) found that socially, things look different.

Across several studies, highly self-controlled people were described as:

• Overly conscientious
• Predictable
• Regimented
• “Robot-like”
• Less spontaneous
  

Not evil.

Not stuck-up.

Just hard to read, and harder to relax around.

In their 2022 study, participants rated highly self-controlled people as:

• Less warm
• Less real
• Less human
  

Meanwhile, impulsive people were rated as:

• More real
• More genuine
• More “alive in the moment”
  

Key takeaway:

People don’t bond with your discipline.

They bond with your humanness.

Part 2 — The psychology (why high self-control reads as competence but low warmth)

There are three main reasons.

The first blew my mind.

The third blew my socks off.

1) Warmth vs competence (Fiske’s model)

Your brain asks four questions when you meet someone:

1. Are you safe? (Survival)
2. Can you make things happen? (Competence)
3. Will you make things happen for me? (Warmth)
4. Are you here with me right now? (Presence)
   

High self-control pushes the competence dial up.

People see you as:

• Punctual
• Organised
• In control
• Steady
  

But if you show little emotion, softness or silliness, your warmth and presence drop.

That combo — high competence + low warmth — is the one people respect but don’t relax around.

They think:

“Wow, this person has their life together… but I don’t know how to be myself around them.”

So you end up in a lonely category:

Reliable enough to water their plants; not someone they’d tell what keeps them up at night.

2) Intimidation bias

Highly self-controlled people act like a mirror.

Next to them, people suddenly notice:

• Their own chaos
• Their broken routines
• The skipped workouts and late nights
  

So alongside thinking:

“Wow, they’re impressive,”

They also think:

“Am I being judged?”

“Do I look like a mess next to them?”

“Should I hide the parts of me that don’t look put-together?”

People begin to:

• Pull back
• Smooth out their personality
• Speak to you like a manager, not a mate
  

You feel like they’re distant.

They feel like they’re avoiding embarrassment.

3) Expressive suppression (Butler & Gross)

To stay “collected,” many self-controlled people push emotions down.

On the outside:

• Calm face
• Steady voice
• No emotional spikes
  

Here’s the twist:

You feel calm. Everyone else feels weird.

Research shows that when one person suppresses emotion:

• The other person’s heart rate rises
• Their blood pressure increases
• Their body shifts into “something’s off” mode
  

They can’t explain why.

They just feel tense.

So the self-controlled person walks away thinking:

“I was polite and calm… why did they go weird?”

Because emotional suppression doesn’t soothe the room.

It amplifies tension in everyone except the suppressor.

How this links back to the research

Combine:

• Low warmth
• Low presence
• Intimidation bias
• Emotional suppression
  

And you get exactly how participants described highly self-controlled people:

• Robotic
• Predictable
• Less authentic
• Less warm
• Less human
  

The psychology explains the data.

The data backs the psychology.

The real social costs here are:

If people see you as less warm, less real, less fun to be around, they rely on you, but don’t always reach for you.

That means: less invites, less connection, less fun moments, less relatability, less friends.

But let’s be honest…

We’ve just gone through a lot of “here’s what’s going wrong.”

So let's cover the good news.

The upside for you...

None of this is fixed.

It's all reversible when you realise:

Why competence, low warmth is just an armour,

How to increase warmth.

So this is what we'll finalise this letter with now.

First, let’s zoom in on why this armour shows up and then finalise with how to loosen it.

Part 4 — The root cause (the compassionate lens)

“Coldness” isn’t arrogance.

It’s a nervous system trying to feel safe.

Here’s how this armour usually forms:

1.) Coldness is armour

People who seem controlled and unreadable usually aren’t thinking “I’m better than you”. They’re thinking “I can’t afford to drop the mask,” so their distance is protection, not personality.

2.) The “reliable one” origin story

Many hyper-self-controlled adults were the “reliable kid” who learned that staying calm and tidy kept everyone else happy, a survival strategy that won approval at 7 but blocks closeness at 27.

3.) Perfectionism as a shield

Behind the spotless routines is often a quiet fear that any slip will expose the “real me” and lead to rejection, so they show you a polished highlight reel and hide the messy blooper reel people actually bond with.

4.) Suppression becomes second nature

When you hold everything in for long enough, your face, voice and body all tighten by default so from the outside you look cold, while inside you’re thinking, “I don’t know how to relax without feeling exposed.”

5.) Control feels safer than connection

If your nervous system believes “staying in control keeps me safe,” you’ll keep choosing control over play, composure over closeness and performance over presence. Not because you want to, but because it feels less dangerous.

6.) High standards = harsh energy

When you never cut yourself slack, you judge others by the same bar, so what feels like “holding the line” from the inside can feel like walking on eggshells from the outside, even though underneath it all you’re just heavily armoured.

The bottom line...

Self-control became their safe room.

But now the lock is on the wrong side of the door.

Once you see that, you stop taking their distance as an insult and start seeing it as a nervous system in survival mode.

So: how do you crack the door open — in yourself or in them?

Part 5 — The fix

We'll split it up into 2 sections:

A.) How do you build more warmth with people if you come across as cold?

B.) How do you gently invite other people to be warmer if they come across as cold?

Let's begin with part A. 

A) If YOU come across as cold

1) Drop 1% of the armour

Don’t suddenly try to “be a warm person.”

That'll feel fake. 

So just let 1% more of you leak out. 

Allow yourself to laugh properly when something’s funny.

Let your eyebrows move when you’re surprised.

Let your face soften when someone tells you something sad.

Tiny cracks. Big difference.

‍

2) Reveal “your madness” 

 You don’t need to start trauma dumping.

Just share one small, honest flaw:

“I get awkward in big groups.”

“Sunday nights weirdly make me sad.”

“I’m overly competitive at Monopoly.”

Personal story: a few months ago I was going on a date. The day before she messaged:

“Should I bring Uno? Actually no… I get too competitive.”

That instantly made me like her more. 🤣

In one line, I saw the human: playful, self-aware, a bit chaotic.

‍

3) Ask about their madness

Once you’ve put a card down, invite theirs:

“What’s something silly you get anxious about?” 

“What’s one weird quirk you have that most people don’t see?”

This says:

“You’re safe being odd around me.”

People open up fast when they don’t have to act “normal.”

4) Be present, not polished

Instead of mentally editing every sentence, trying to get everything right when you're around others:

Listen all the way to the end.

Feel your feet on the floor.

Notice their face while they talk.

You’ll say fewer "perfect" things when you just focus on being there.

But they’ll feel more seen.

‍

5) Compliment warmly

Skip generic praise: "you're so pretty" / "you're so funny".

Notice something real:

“I love the way you tell stories.”

“I find you really easy to talk to.”

“I always feel calmer after I speak to you.”

"I respect the way you treat strangers."

"Ur cool, let's smash" (JOKING)

Warmth.

‍

6) Embrace the Pratfall Effect

Let yourself smudge the image a bit:

Mispronounce a word and laugh.

Say, “That made no sense, let me rewind.”

Admit, “I completely lost my train of thought.”

 Little slips make you more reachable, not less impressive.

7) Add micro-spontaneity

You don’t need to become a “say yes to everything” person.

Just:

Say yes to one plan you’d usually decline.

Suggest a random coffee or walk.

Throw one playful comment into a serious chat.

Tiny bits of unpredictability = aliveness.

‍

B) If THEY are the cold one

1) Lead with small vulnerability (Insecurity Tennis)

Go first, but keep it light.

“I always overthink what to order in restaurants.”

“I get shy in groups at first.”

Then literally invite them to admit a vulnerability back.

You’re basically saying:

“Look, I’m a bit weird too. You’re allowed.”

‍

2) Use low-pressure invitations

Avoid big emotional asks.

Use open-door invitations:

“I’m grabbing coffee later, join if you fancy it, no pressure.”

“I’m heading for a walk, you’re welcome to come.”

If they say no, say "no worries".

Warmth without pushing.

‍

3) Never demand what you haven’t modelled

This principle goes for life in general tbf but it's key here:

If you’re sitting there emotionally zipped up, you can’t ask them to unzip.

Lead by example.

Open a little, and let them match you (this is what point 1 helps you do).

‍

4) Show goodwill, not pressure

Your job is to be:

Curious

Kind

Non-judgemental

Not:

Their therapist

Their judge

Their coach

Cold people melt when they feel no one is trying to fix them.

5) Give them time

Their armour took years to build.

It’s not disappearing after one deep chat.

What works is:

Repeated small moments

Steady warmth

You showing up the same way each time

‍

The final takeaway...

If it's you: you don’t need to kill your discipline.

You just need to let more of you leak through it.

Warmth = presence, vulnerability, tiny acts of spontaneity.

Connection begins the moment someone finally sees the person hiding under all that control.

If it's them: model the behaviour you want to see, and give them time to reveal themselves without pressure.

Thanks for reading. 

Now I've gotta record all of that into a youtube video 😭☠️🫶🏻

Lew   

P.s. ever wondered why all the social skills advice you've watched so far on how to become socially confident hasn't worked? Well... I've found the actual solution. The solution that: builds your social confidence from the deepest layers of your psyche so it actually sticks and you leave a trail of people wondering in awe "who's that?!" everywhere you go. Ok, enough of the theatrics... Join the waitlist for my product which shares this secret solution here. (🥷🏼).