Toxic Discipline: Confessions of an Ex-Stoic

Today we’ll be looking at the toxic trappings of a life of discipline found in the Stoic mentality, where every treat is framed as a temptation that you must overcome, and there’s no world in which you think you deserve a treat. Instead you start the day with a cold shower, skip breakfast, go to the gym, drink some Huel then sleep on the floor because a bed is too much of a luxury. But the question is: Is absolute discipline really a healthy lifestyle or does it make you and everyone around you miserable?

Deprive Yourself, Judge Others

Well, the first mark against discipline is in the effect it has on making us look down on anyone who falls short of your own perfect ideals. A man enjoying a milkshake becomes a source of contempt, or someone who doesn’t get up until 9 am is lazy and lacks drive. If you never treat yourself, this judgement will only escalate and, before you know it, your life will be devoid of any joy or empathy for others.

Although I have started a bit strong, I won’t be too critical of those who take discipline too far, as I, myself, was hooked by the falsehoods of discipline when I lived with my cousin just a couple of years ago.

One day that sticks out, is when we both bought a book called ‘Live Like a Stoic’ which is one of those DIY books that you fill in every day completing various exercises to cultivate a ‘good’ life. Good here is in parenthesis, I mean just look at how uninspired that grey cover looks to know that there’s no account of what a good life actually looks like.

Unsurprisingly, we weren’t disciplined to keep up with it after the first day, pretty ironic I know. Both copies are now collecting dust, and all I can think is that it’s like signing up to the gym for a year and only going once. Looking back, I remember our smug faces when we were queuing with it in our hands as if we were taking on a challenge that would make the lady who had the new Colleen Hoover in her hand quake in her boots.

This wasn’t even the peak of this madness. In my cousin’s discipline-filled lifestyle,  he would sleep on the floor, have a cold shower in the morning, fast until dinner and go to bed at 10.

There’s one evening in particular that sticks out as being the ultimate moment of toxic discipline, when my cousin was craving a box of Maltesers and so we went to the shop to get some. Maltesers in hand, we went home and, by the time we arrived, he didn’t want any or so he pretended. He was obviously craving them, but he wanted to test how disciplined he was. And so I scoffed the whole bag whilst he was revelling in the moral victory, still experiencing his joy vicariously through me like some chocolate-craved voyeur.

Looking back, I realise that not everything in life has to be a challenge of will. Treating yourself is how you stay away from judging both yourself and others too harshly.

I remember this quote from the TV show Twin Peaks that said it best:

“Every day, once a day, give yourself a present. Don’t plan it. Don’t wait for it. Just let it happen”.

When we seek a life of intense discipline found in the stoic mentality and others, this inevitably gets forgotten.

Epicureanism Vs Stoicism

This is where the counter to Stoicism, Epicureanism seems a healthier approach, a philosophy which viewed Stoicism as overly bleak and restrictive. This school of thought was founded by the Greek philosopher Epicurus. I know, first impressions, not very inventive of a name. It takes a bold man to not only invent a school of thought but go a step further and name it after himself...

Anyway, putting this aside, he was definitely onto something with his views on pleasure. Contrary to popular belief, Epicureans would advise against seeking excessive amounts of baseless pleasure, instead seeking to maximise the highest pleasure, pleasures of the mind.

To them, the goal of life is tranquillity which they called Ataraxia. This means enjoying and savouring the simple things in life, not feeling guilty like Stoicism warps you into believing. You shouldn’t want to shame people for their way of life, with Epicurean communities respecting other people’s unique personalities.

Deficient in Empathy

Restricting ourselves from doing things that make us happy is no way to live, it will only make us miserable and cause us to look down on others for their shortcomings without any understanding of how they got there. Intense discipline then makes you less empathetic of how other people succumb to unhealthy habits and only serves to polish your own pristine ego.

As a rule, we need to be more forgiving; we are all influenced by circumstance, living with decisions made in our childhood.

The Russian writer Dostoyevsky reminds us of this hereditary influence:

“Kids from the father’s drunken abuse sending them to work in a sunless environment with no room to be a child”.

Sorry once I start talking Dostoyevsky I can’t stop he just knows the right way to live and it’s a perfect antidote to Stoicism.

He knew the hypocrisy of how we’re quick to throw judgement onto others, whilst at the same time falling short ourselves.

As he writes:

“Remember that you cannot be a judge of anyone. For no one can judge a criminal until he recognises that he is just such a criminal as the man standing before him”.

Dostoyevsky knew that understanding and respecting other people’s choices and boundaries no matter how obscure they may seem is the key to living a peaceful life which isn’t bogged down by resentment. Not only this, other people will see it as courteous that you trust that they know themselves better than you can know them. If we show humility, or as Dostoyevsky specifies ‘Humble Love’, as opposed to judgement fuelled by obsessive discipline, we can move away from hypocritical acts of corruption. Only once we do this can we move towards a more compassionate perspective, one which is rich in meaning, and based on trust and understanding.

Thanks for reading,

Brandon

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