Addicted to Daydreams, Afraid of Reality

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If you, like me, love to dwell on the what ifs of life, thinking about the amount of alternate lives you could’ve been living in the past or the immediate future, fantasising how your life would look if you suddenly went on a gap year to Australia. Well if this resonates, you’re all too aware of the misery this thinking brings. Albert Camus calls it existential anguish, dizzy at the abundance of choices and resentful of the choices you’ve chosen.

I know this feeling will creep its way in when I’m editing this video you’re watching now, wishing I was anywhere but at my desk. But I still do it. Why?

Well, it’s partly from this anguish, specifically the fear of missed potential. But is that a good motivation?

The Fear of Missed Potential

What if missed potential is inevitable and I’m too insecure to just give up control and admit it?

By thinking about the many alternate realities I could be living, I’m planting too many seeds and neglecting the plant that’s right in front of me.

Not only this but by overthinking about the things I could be doing, I’m trying to smooth the boundaries of your life instead of bearing the responsibility that gripping this one by the horns brings. As Lao Tzu said in the Tao Te Ching:

“One who excels in safeguarding his life does not meet a rhinoceros or a tiger when he is traveling on land. [They speed to death] because one never lets himself be in a vulnerable situation.”

Personal Reflection

Looking back to last year, I was way too focused on looking beyond my immediate surroundings. I would go on what I can only describe as existential late-night walks with my cousin. I know not a typical pastime for someone in their 20’s. On a particularly intense night, we talked about a morbid thought experiment, imagining if we were on our death bed, would we be happy with what we spent our time doing? Would we feel regret, and that we had nothing to show of our lives?

There’s a quote from the writer Dan Sullivan that sparked this:

“Your last day on Earth, [where] the person you became meets the person you could have become”.

At the time I thought this was healthy, thinking we were ahead of the curve, but fast forward a year to this moment and I’m still here, nauseous about my infinite options. Then it hit me, what if I can never fully come to terms with committing to one specific life because I’ve been thinking about these other potential lives the wrong way. What if, in committing to one decision, there will always be a million missed experiences and that’s ok?

I’m Just Killing Time

Of course, this is not to say we aren’t capable of living a life that doesn’t serve ourselves, I think my play time on Rocket League proves that for me at least. Too often we put the tasks that need doing on hold, believing we have all the time in the world.

If you’ve seen my video on being addicted to thinking, afraid of living, I mention H.G Baynes’ neurosis which he calls “the provisional life”, living life as if it has not started yet; just a dress rehearsal. However, most of the time we confuse ourselves into overthinking and second guessing all of our decisions, not giving enough time to let the fruits of the decision grow before we snip it off and move to the next one. Ironically, since that video, I’ve thought a lot about overthinking and I’d like to expand on it slightly. Overthinking on life’s overwhelming freedom of choices either leads to a life of inaction, or, crucially, too much action, never patient of seeing any one possibility through.

How To Shake Out of This Anguish

Well, although it’s still very much a work in progress, I have a possible solution for us.

Laugh at the inevitability that you will miss out on things and commit your attention to the choice you’ve made.

Life isn’t always about cramming and controlling. Yes, sometimes you need to do a course correct, but you also need to accept you’ll miss out on things. As soon as you embrace this absurdity and laugh at it, the easier your anxieties will be to handle, retaining your wonder without overthinking and feeling overwhelmed.

If you can’t shake the existential anguish the French existentialist Albert Camus offers a quick exercise which he recommends you employ. You must zoom out and recognise how many people there are and how little you are in comparison.

This thought experiment should bring everything into perspective, making you realise how absurd it is what we choose to fuss over, how pointless our gripes are.

Although this realisation can send us into a nihilistic pool of despair and anguish, if we familiarise with the reality, we can embrace our limited view and laugh at it. Then as Alan Watts puts it:

“We become capable of enjoyment, of living in the present and of the discipline this involves”.

It’s an insecure need to try and control what can’t be controlled and we should just laugh at the absurdity and embrace the path I’m on. Once we stop overthinking about all the things we could be doing and just laugh at our predicament, then we can commit to our life without resenting the things we could be doing and the tiny space we occupy and just live.

Thanks for reading!

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